The Best Start and a Fabulous Finish

There is nothing better than living a life of joy.  If you combine this with having a marriage that brings you great joy, your life is so much better.  We work with couples every week who struggle in marriages that just don’t meet the standard of joy and peace they would like to have.  There is a simple start to this process.  First of all, there is one thing to always remember.  YOU and you alone are responsible for your joy.  When you truly begin to acknowledge that your spouse is not the source of your joy then you are well on your way to having the best start and the fabulous finish.

Even though it is true that you are responsible for your own joy, there is a secret that will ensure that you are able to have a joy filled day every day.  The best start comes when every morning you begin by spending time with God.  Just spending those precious first moments of your day remembering God, embracing His presence and verbalizing your gratitude to Him for all He has done for you, starts your day off right.  There may be struggles in your day but they are nothing that you and God together cannot handle.  I love Psalm 5:1-3 from the Message Bible:

1-2 O Lord, hear me praying; listen to my plea, O God my King, for I will never pray to anyone but you. 3 Each morning I will look to you in heaven and lay my requests before you, praying earnestly.

This simple concept of praying in the morning helps refocus your day.  Taking time with your spouse every morning to refocus together will give your the best start at having a great day and a joy filled marriage.  Psalm 5:4-5 gives advice for your thoughts throughout your day:

4 I will bless you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. 5 At last I shall be fully satisfied; I will praise you with great joy.

Taking this simple posture of remembering God in the middle of your day, continues to keep you focused on what is most important.  Use phone calls and texting to encourage your spouse to remember that God is with him at every moment.  I love getting texts from my husband sharing the ways God has reminded him that he is with him all the time.  That simple act increases my joy so much.

Now for the fabulous finish, we look at Psalm 63:6-8:

6 I lie awake at night thinking of you— 7 of how much you have helped me—and how I rejoice through the night beneath the protecting shadow of your wings. 8 I follow close behind you, protected by your strong right arm.

Ending your day talking to and thinking about God and how much He has done for you, that He is protecting you, reminds you that you are never alone.

We are never fighting our way through life without the very help we need to succeed.  God is with us every day at every moment.  Try utilizing these steps to finding your “Best Start and Fabulous Finish” every day.

What Plan Are You following?

Recently, I have had the opportunity to speak with several couples who are either struggling in their marriage to the point they are near divorce or they are already separated and divorce papers have been filed.   The thing I have heard the most and actually is true of my first marriage is that none of them were given any teaching on how to do marriage.  However, we have worked with several couples that have been to several marriage counselors but hadn’t been successful.  They say frequently, “Why didn’t anyone tell us this?”  It’s seems funny to me (I’m not saying we have all the answers nor am I criticizing any other counselor) that we have the answers laid out for us in the Bible and when we follow the plan it gives, we have a high level of success.  Many people disregard the Bible as old fashioned or irrelevant but the truth is when you do the simple things that God lays out in his word, you chances for a happily ever after increase tremendously.

I remember early on in our ministry, I asked a pastor what books he liked on the subject of marriage.  His response surprised me!  He said “Well there are a lot of books out there but I find everything I need in the Bible.” At the time I thought he was just being arrogant, the more I study about marriage the more I find out just how right he was.  The truth is the Bible is all about marriage, it starts with a wedding, ends with a wedding and everything in between is a groom looking for his bride.  I love the mental picture that thought produces.

So here’s the simple way to have a happy marriage.  First, husbands everywhere in the Bible where you see anything that Jesus did, that’s your role.  Wives anywhere in the Bible you see what the church did or was told what to do, do that.  You see, God invented marriage and marriage is really just a type and shadow of Christ and the Church.  Secondly put the words of Ephesians 5:22 to work, do everything you do in marriage as unto the Lord.  I always recommend that when you lay your head on the pillow at night you ask this one simple question, “God did I make you happy as a husband/wife today?”  When you see your role as a husband or wife as doing it for God, your entire perspective changes.

Guaranteed success comes when we take the plan provided by the designer of the plan and put it into action.  God designed marriage, He gave us the plan in His Word, all we have to do is work the plan.

Do you need help with your marriage?  Let Bridge Builder Marriage Ministry help. Contact us at melisa@bridgebuildermm.org

My Best Friend

I have had this passage of scripture floating around in my head,

A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  Proverbs 18:24 (KJV)

When you’re married, your spouse should be your best friend.  You spend more of your time with them than anyone else, you share a home, meals, activities, children and intimacy with them.  I have, however, heard many wives talk about their best friend only to find out that it is NOT their husband.  As I thought about the reasons why they would give that coveted spot to someone other than their husband, I realized one such reason might be laid out for us in this passage of scripture.  How do those wives treat their husbands, do they show themselves friendly to him?  Friendships take work, they rarely just happen.  You might meet someone that you are instantly connected to, but to maintain a good friendship you have responsibility in the relationship.  Taking time to talk, engaging in activities together, celebrating wins and even walking through the losses together are vital parts of any healthy friendship.  Also, knowing their likes and dislikes, their values and encouraging their dreams are also important.  Do you do those things with your husband? If you don’t, I encourage you to start today.  Show yourself friendly, take responsibility and give your husband this place in your life. the rewards will be great for both of you.

Respect Your Husband’s #1 Need

For years now my husband and I have been working with couples to help them find the amazing marriage that God has designed for them to live.  Many of the lessons I have learned came from a 20-year failed marriage.  After spending 20 years learning what not to do, I have spent the next decade learning what to do from the best teacher of all, the Bible.  Yes, I have done research in other books and from other great teachers but the ultimate lessons about marriage still come from the God that created marriage in the first place.

Wives, your husband’s number one need is for respect.  Believe me when I tell you I was the queen of disrespect for 20 years and didn’t even know it.  I have many times had to apologize to my ex-husband for being so disrespectful.  I have spent countless hours learning how to be respectful.  Yes, I’m still in the respect school, but God has used my amazing husband and partner in everything, Steven to help me learn.  He has also given me a great group of male pastors to work everyday with who are great at helping me identify disrespect in my life (they do it because I ask them to).  The reason I need this help is because disrespect can  be so sneaky and subtle.  I often times find myself being disrespectful without even realizing it.  You see girls, disrespect to a guy is much different than to us.  I’m getting so much better, but I’m confident it will be something I have to continue to work on for the rest of my life.

In my Bible study today I read Ephesians 4:29

29 Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good andbeneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it. (AMP)

One thing I have learned is that most disrespect comes straight out of your mouth.  If we can get better at living out Ephesians 4:29, we can decrease our disrespectfulness by so much.  In James 3:2 tells us that if we don’t offend with our tongues we are a perfect manor in this case a perfect woman.  We can learn to be respectful in our speech.  We can meet the number one need of our spouses.  Watch what comes out of your mouth.  Live out Ephesians 4:29.  As you do you will begin to see your marriage become a living example of God’s design.

Bucket List VS Vision Lists ~ Do You Have One?

An amazing thing has started in our family.  I am happy to report I was the source of it.  Does that sound prideful?  Well, maybe but when something I did starts to make an impression on people in my circle I get pretty excited.

A few months ago, I read a blog by one of the pastors I work with at Victory Church.  Pastor Ryan Latham has a blog that I enjoy reading.  He and his amazing family are truly an inspiration to me.  When I think about marriages that are true and solid and lived totally for Christ, theirs is one that comes to mind.  They truly are a great example of a Godly marriage and family.  Back to the blog that is the inspiration for the transformation in my family.  He wrote a blog about his Bucket List.  Now I know that probably brings to mind the movie with the same title and truthfully I have never been a big fan of bucket lists.  They seem sort of morbid to me.  However, when I read Ryan’s blog post, I was struck at how much more it sounded like a vision list to me.  This is something that I am very fond of.  Well, after reading his post I was inspired to write my own vision list.

In our breakfast nook at home we have a GIANT post it note pad that my husband and I use for diagraming book chapters and scheduling ideas for marriage conferences, this, I thought would be the perfect thing to write my vision list on. After all, it was big enough, and what isn’t cool about a giant post it note.  After much thought I began.  Ryan inspired me to dream big.  So I started with the books I want to write, followed by seeing some family members come to know Christ, and then added a pretty large donation I would like to make to help my son’s new church.  There are several other things on the list but you get the idea.  After completing the list I thought about moving it to the bedroom but truthfully, I forgot to.  Then I began to notice that as people would come to the house they would gravitate to the walls with all the paper stuck on them.  My vision list was a favorite place for many people to pause.  You could see the wheels turning as they stopped and thought.  Many made comments and some even said they were going to make their own.  I liked this a lot.

The first person to come around to the idea of a vision list was our daughter’s amazing boyfriend Matthew Myers.  As you can tell by the picture, he is adorable and I am so glad he is part of our family.  Truthfully, Matthew started his vision list because, well, I made him.  Currently it has only one thing on it, but hey it’s a start.  The next people to get on the vision list train are our son and daughter-in-law, Mark and Brianna.  They are the community pastors for Faith Church in Hinton, Oklahoma.  I just received a picture of their vision list.  So excited!!!!!!!!

So now, what is on your vision list.  What big things do you want to do or where would you like to go?  What would you like to see happen in your family and your marriage?  With the end of 2013 here, now is a great time to spend some time making your vision list for 2014.  Habakkuk 2:2 says:

2 And the Lord answered me:  “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.

So whether you call it a “bucket list” or a “vision list,” take some time and do one today.  You will be amazed how when you see it on paper, it quickly becomes reality in your life.

Ulterior Motives

Many times in our marriage we can find ourselves attributing our spouse’s behavior to a specific ulterior motive.  If the ulterior motive is “they love me and really want to be a great spouse,” then you are probably enjoying a great marriage.  Honestly, more times than not this is not our default concept of our spouse’s motives.

For many years now Steven and I have utilized a concept that for the most part, helps us maintain right thoughts, attitudes, and interpretations about each other’s words and behavior.  We do this by applying this very simple principle, “What is the intent of my spouse’s heart?”    When you encounter any situation where you find yourself angry, disappointed, hurt, or feeling condemned, applying this simple technique can prevent you from charging head-long into a full on assault or sliding completely into a pit of hurt feelings and despair.

Many times, the behavior of our spouse is influenced by many things and these can manifest in behaviors that are confrontational or hurtful when this is truly not what they are intending to communicate.  Consider this idea.  If you have had a bad day at work, you were caught in traffic, late for a meeting, or perhaps were treated unfairly by your boss, you may have trouble letting it go when you come home.  Because you’re already in a stressed state, you are more likely to find fault or have your feelings hurt by something simple that your spouse says, does or doesn’t do.  While your spouse may intend no ill will or have no negative ulterior motive, you still perceive it as an assault or attack.  It is during these times that it is important to take a step back, breath, and ask yourself a simple question “What is the intent of my spouse’s heart?”  This one simple technique when applied can prevent many unnecessary problems in your marriage.

So I ask you today, What is the intent of your spouse’s heart?

Marriage Made Simple

Here is a wonderful blog by one of my co-workers at Victory Church in Oklahoma City.  Really sometimes we like to make sure that we sound super important by sharing wisdom and making it difficult to understand.  Bo is truly a funny man and he has a great way of communicating.  I love reading his blog and know you will too.  In his current post he does a great job of being honest, wise and simple.  After reading Confessions of a Married Man – My Top 5 Ways to a Happy Marriage I guarantee if you simply apply his advice you will have a better marriage.

Families Can Be Funky

I was on Facebook recently and I saw a sign that said “As two families are becoming one, we ask that you choose a seat not a side.”  I’m would love to give credit to the person who made that statement originally but in my research I was unable to figure that out so if you know please share it with me.

As I thought about this statement, I thought about the magnitude of the truth it conveyed.  Being a wife, mother, and a mother-in-law, I have found myself on both sides of the coin.

When two people get married it often brings with it two very different families and therefore two very different family cultures.  While in most cases, the guys are less likely to bring their family into the marriage, girls are highly likely to.  I remember my mom would always say “You have a son until he takes a wife, you have a daughter all your life.”  This is true a lot of the time.  This is not necessarily bad or good but can many times be one or the other.

Before you get married is the best time to take a good look at what each family can bring to the marriage.  It is important to discuss such things as family culture, family holiday traditions, and religious beliefs and practices.  By doing this you can save yourselves a lot of unnecessary problems.

If you are the parent or parent-in-law/family member or family-in-law member I encourage you to do your best to not choose sides but choose the side of promoting a healthy, loving, God-centered marriage.  Making this choice, you will not only help the marriage but you will help impact future generations.  Your support can and will make a difference.

Completely Hidden in God ~ A Woman’s Heart

The best way to have a successful marriage is to have a God-centered marriage.  This only happens when both the husband and wife have God at the center of their own lives and then He can be the center of their marriage too.  I have never met a couple who truly lived a life where God was the most important thing in their lives who where headed to the courthouse to get a divorce.

Meet Michael McIntyre, and his beautiful wife Tiiffany. They are the youth pastors at Faith Church in Hinton, OK. They just had their first baby, Gunner.  Michael loves to hunt and fish and is frequently seen wearing camo.  In fact, Gunner’s carseat and stroller are made of camo fabric.  It’s super cute, by the way.  So when I saw this precious picture of Michael and Gunner  I made the comment that I had a hard time finding Gunner because he was hidden in his Dad.  What an absolutely beautiful picture of how we should live our lives.  Colossians 3:3 says “For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” (MSG)  Living a life that is completely hidden in Christ ensures the best possible life.  The second thing I noticed about this wonderful pictures was the contented smile on Gunner’s little face.  I promise that even though your life will continue to have hard times when you are completely hidden in God you will be able to walk through them with this kind of contentment, trusting God to handle everything.

I love this quote, “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” ~Max Lucado

I want to encourage every wife today, truly live a life that is completely hidden in God.  The rewards in your marriage will be far bigger than you could ever imagine.

Sex is a BIG Deal in ALL Marriages

Most women when asked, would respond that the most important need of a man is sex.  While respect/honor is actually the primary need of man, sex is a very close second.  Yet sex is one of the biggest areas in many marriages that cause a lot of conflict.  For many women I work with, this very conflict causes a great deal of pain.  Finding ways to navigate the balance of desire for sex between husbands and wives can be very complex.  However, by have some very open conversations with your spouse about where they are both coming from can help this area of your life come into balance.  Beginning that conversation often means wading through unmet expectations, hurts, feelings of failure on both sides, and even the releasing of using sex as a punishment or reward.  While this is can be a path least taken, it is a path that can lead to a more satisfying marriage then you have ever dreamed of.  I encourage all couples to have open, honest, and loving conversations about where there marriage stands in relationship to their sexual intimacy.

I recently read a blog Holy Hot and Humorous which addresses one of the big issues in marital sex.  Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He’s Stopped Wanting.  This blog poses some great ideas.  These ideas could be used to initiate a conversation that would help wives begin to discover exactly where their husband is in relationship to sex in their marriage.  I encourage you to do a check up on your intimate relationship with your husband.  It will be one of the most life giving things you will ever do.