Over the past year, God has been making some pretty amazing connections in my life and the life of my husband, Steven. It has been so awesome to watch the way that God connects the dots. I have met people that will forever change my life. One of those connections is with Clarence and Alicia Hill. They are pastors of Church Ablaze. Clarence is also the Director of Eye to Eye Marriage Community. They both have been like meeting our long, lost family. I’m pretty sure this 6’8″ African American man is my brother from another mother. It has been such a tremendous blessing work along side of them to help bring the conversation of Marriage and Family to the forefront in Oklahoma City. Yesterday we had the opportunity to speak at a Celebrate Marriage Oklahoma rally. For Steven and I sharing our testimony of how God has restored our family is something that we love to do. The rally was to help gain support of the Covenant Walk that we will be doing on October 13, 2014. This walk will be an event to raise awareness of the need for support in our community for Families and Marriage. I would like to take this opportunity to personally invite you to join Steven and I and Bridge Builder Marriage Ministry as well as many other organizations as we march from the Myriad Gardens in downtown Oklahoma City to the State Capital. Marriage and family are so important that spending this holiday bringing the conversation to the attention of the city is more than worth the time you will spend. So please join us. You can find out more information here.
There is nothing better than living a life of joy. If you combine this with having a marriage that brings you great joy, your life is so much better. We work with couples every week who struggle in marriages that just don’t meet the standard of joy and peace they would like to have. There is a simple start to this process. First of all, there is one thing to always remember. YOU and you alone are responsible for your joy. When you truly begin to acknowledge that your spouse is not the source of your joy then you are well on your way to having the best start and the fabulous finish.
Even though it is true that you are responsible for your own joy, there is a secret that will ensure that you are able to have a joy filled day every day. The best start comes when every morning you begin by spending time with God. Just spending those precious first moments of your day remembering God, embracing His presence and verbalizing your gratitude to Him for all He has done for you, starts your day off right. There may be struggles in your day but they are nothing that you and God together cannot handle. I love Psalm 5:1-3 from the Message Bible:
1-2 O Lord, hear me praying; listen to my plea, O God my King, for I will never pray to anyone but you. 3 Each morning I will look to you in heaven and lay my requests before you, praying earnestly.
This simple concept of praying in the morning helps refocus your day. Taking time with your spouse every morning to refocus together will give your the best start at having a great day and a joy filled marriage. Psalm 5:4-5 gives advice for your thoughts throughout your day:
4 I will bless you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. 5 At last I shall be fully satisfied; I will praise you with great joy.
Taking this simple posture of remembering God in the middle of your day, continues to keep you focused on what is most important. Use phone calls and texting to encourage your spouse to remember that God is with him at every moment. I love getting texts from my husband sharing the ways God has reminded him that he is with him all the time. That simple act increases my joy so much.
Now for the fabulous finish, we look at Psalm 63:6-8:
6 I lie awake at night thinking of you— 7 of how much you have helped me—and how I rejoice through the night beneath the protecting shadow of your wings. 8 I follow close behind you, protected by your strong right arm.
Ending your day talking to and thinking about God and how much He has done for you, that He is protecting you, reminds you that you are never alone.
We are never fighting our way through life without the very help we need to succeed. God is with us every day at every moment. Try utilizing these steps to finding your “Best Start and Fabulous Finish” every day.
Recently, I have had the opportunity to speak with several couples who are either struggling in their marriage to the point they are near divorce or they are already separated and divorce papers have been filed. The thing I have heard the most and actually is true of my first marriage is that none of them were given any teaching on how to do marriage. However, we have worked with several couples that have been to several marriage counselors but hadn’t been successful. They say frequently, “Why didn’t anyone tell us this?” It’s seems funny to me (I’m not saying we have all the answers nor am I criticizing any other counselor) that we have the answers laid out for us in the Bible and when we follow the plan it gives, we have a high level of success. Many people disregard the Bible as old fashioned or irrelevant but the truth is when you do the simple things that God lays out in his word, you chances for a happily ever after increase tremendously.
I remember early on in our ministry, I asked a pastor what books he liked on the subject of marriage. His response surprised me! He said “Well there are a lot of books out there but I find everything I need in the Bible.” At the time I thought he was just being arrogant, the more I study about marriage the more I find out just how right he was. The truth is the Bible is all about marriage, it starts with a wedding, ends with a wedding and everything in between is a groom looking for his bride. I love the mental picture that thought produces.
So here’s the simple way to have a happy marriage. First, husbands everywhere in the Bible where you see anything that Jesus did, that’s your role. Wives anywhere in the Bible you see what the church did or was told what to do, do that. You see, God invented marriage and marriage is really just a type and shadow of Christ and the Church. Secondly put the words of Ephesians 5:22 to work, do everything you do in marriage as unto the Lord. I always recommend that when you lay your head on the pillow at night you ask this one simple question, “God did I make you happy as a husband/wife today?” When you see your role as a husband or wife as doing it for God, your entire perspective changes.
Guaranteed success comes when we take the plan provided by the designer of the plan and put it into action. God designed marriage, He gave us the plan in His Word, all we have to do is work the plan.
Do you need help with your marriage? Let Bridge Builder Marriage Ministry help. Contact us at email@example.com
A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 (KJV)
When you’re married, your spouse should be your best friend. You spend more of your time with them than anyone else, you share a home, meals, activities, children and intimacy with them. I have, however, heard many wives talk about their best friend only to find out that it is NOT their husband. As I thought about the reasons why they would give that coveted spot to someone other than their husband, I realized one such reason might be laid out for us in this passage of scripture. How do those wives treat their husbands, do they show themselves friendly to him? Friendships take work, they rarely just happen. You might meet someone that you are instantly connected to, but to maintain a good friendship you have responsibility in the relationship. Taking time to talk, engaging in activities together, celebrating wins and even walking through the losses together are vital parts of any healthy friendship. Also, knowing their likes and dislikes, their values and encouraging their dreams are also important. Do you do those things with your husband? If you don’t, I encourage you to start today. Show yourself friendly, take responsibility and give your husband this place in your life. the rewards will be great for both of you.
For years now my husband and I have been working with couples to help them find the amazing marriage that God has designed for them to live. Many of the lessons I have learned came from a 20-year failed marriage. After spending 20 years learning what not to do, I have spent the next decade learning what to do from the best teacher of all, the Bible. Yes, I have done research in other books and from other great teachers but the ultimate lessons about marriage still come from the God that created marriage in the first place.
Wives, your husband’s number one need is for respect. Believe me when I tell you I was the queen of disrespect for 20 years and didn’t even know it. I have many times had to apologize to my ex-husband for being so disrespectful. I have spent countless hours learning how to be respectful. Yes, I’m still in the respect school, but God has used my amazing husband and partner in everything, Steven to help me learn. He has also given me a great group of male pastors to work everyday with who are great at helping me identify disrespect in my life (they do it because I ask them to). The reason I need this help is because disrespect can be so sneaky and subtle. I often times find myself being disrespectful without even realizing it. You see girls, disrespect to a guy is much different than to us. I’m getting so much better, but I’m confident it will be something I have to continue to work on for the rest of my life.
In my Bible study today I read Ephesians 4:29
29 Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good andbeneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it. (AMP)
One thing I have learned is that most disrespect comes straight out of your mouth. If we can get better at living out Ephesians 4:29, we can decrease our disrespectfulness by so much. In James 3:2 tells us that if we don’t offend with our tongues we are a perfect manor in this case a perfect woman. We can learn to be respectful in our speech. We can meet the number one need of our spouses. Watch what comes out of your mouth. Live out Ephesians 4:29. As you do you will begin to see your marriage become a living example of God’s design.
Often in our Marriage and Relationship Life Coaching sessions we meet with couples who have been married only a few years. However, from time to time we have couples who have been together for many years. For these couples, they often report they feel like they are living with their sibling. It isn’t usually anything huge that derailed their marriage rather a lack of demonstrations of love each day. As you know I often say, “If the grass looks greener in your neighbors yard, water your own grass.” Often times after years of living with someone you get so accustomed to their ways and thoughts that life can become routine. This is often the downfall of many marriages.
What to do???? The best answer truly comes from the past. When you first met your husband, what did you do? When you first started pursuing him, my guess is you left no stone unturned in your effort to get his attention and demonstrate your love for him. Well, sometimes going back to the basics is the best idea. To revive the romance in your marriage, why not try some of the wonderful things you did in the early days. Here are few suggestions that might be helpful in jogging your memory.
- Leave sweet notes of love for him to find in his car in the morning.
- Send him off in the morning with a PASSIONATE kiss. (This is two-fold, it starts his day of right and reminds him why he wants to come home at night)
- Meet him for a surprise lunch.
- Send him sexy text messages during the work day.
- Make sure your hair and clothes look as good today as they did when you were dating him.
- Put chocolates on his pillow in the evening with a love note.
- Flirt with him from across the room.
- Surprise him by greeting him while wearing his favorite color of lipstick and perfume.
- Plan a date to somewhere you went when you were dating.
- Recreate your favorite things to do when you were dating.
- If he played sports take him to the ball field or court where he played and remind him how much you loved watching him play. Talk about that big play or shot he made. Let him know you still remember.
Be creative, you will find wonderful ways to spice up the romance in your marriage, no matter how many years it’s been since you first met.
For those of you who are newly married, never stop doing the things that won his heart to start with. Years from now you will be so glad you did.
Many times in our marriage we can find ourselves attributing our spouse’s behavior to a specific ulterior motive. If the ulterior motive is “they love me and really want to be a great spouse,” then you are probably enjoying a great marriage. Honestly, more times than not this is not our default concept of our spouse’s motives.
For many years now Steven and I have utilized a concept that for the most part, helps us maintain right thoughts, attitudes, and interpretations about each other’s words and behavior. We do this by applying this very simple principle, “What is the intent of my spouse’s heart?” When you encounter any situation where you find yourself angry, disappointed, hurt, or feeling condemned, applying this simple technique can prevent you from charging head-long into a full on assault or sliding completely into a pit of hurt feelings and despair.
Many times, the behavior of our spouse is influenced by many things and these can manifest in behaviors that are confrontational or hurtful when this is truly not what they are intending to communicate. Consider this idea. If you have had a bad day at work, you were caught in traffic, late for a meeting, or perhaps were treated unfairly by your boss, you may have trouble letting it go when you come home. Because you’re already in a stressed state, you are more likely to find fault or have your feelings hurt by something simple that your spouse says, does or doesn’t do. While your spouse may intend no ill will or have no negative ulterior motive, you still perceive it as an assault or attack. It is during these times that it is important to take a step back, breath, and ask yourself a simple question “What is the intent of my spouse’s heart?” This one simple technique when applied can prevent many unnecessary problems in your marriage.
So I ask you today, What is the intent of your spouse’s heart?